Not Welcomed: “Search Warrant,” “The Unfashionable Mexican That Wears Mexican Fashion,” and “Naturalized Citizen”

Artist Statement

The inspiration and purpose of my artwork lies behind my identity as a Brown Latina woman. It was belittling growing up in Compton, CA, a predominantly Latina/o community, because my skin always seemed to be a burden. My intersecting identities have also called for a multitude of oppression. When it comes to shedding light upon the injustices my family and I have faced as minorities, I have always struggled to use my voice. However, my poetry collection Not Welcomed highlights some of those very injustices and oppressions. I write about my personal struggle with my identity, an unlawful house raid, and about my mother’s transition from being seen as an “illegal immigrant” to becoming a naturalized citizen. Our struggles are all too similar, but what is unique is our experiences, and here are mine. 

Leonides Bermudez

​Leonides Esperanza Bermudez is a returning student double majoring in Child and Adolescence Development and Sociology and with a minor in Gender and Women Studies. Although, she is no longer a creative writing major, Leonides still finds solace in poetry. Her works vary from personal experience, social justice, and healing as a Brown woman in today’s America.

Search Warrant

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​Guns in my face
Fear looking back
Patted down
Handcuffed
Stripped of my rights
 
If Twitter taught me anything
It was to put my hand up
 
Sitting on a curb
Was I the purp?
 
Its 4 am
No one is awake
The devil is on your shoulder
God is the witness
 
I’m screaming loud
but no one can hear me
 
The words “I can’t breathe” escape my dry worthless mouth
Eric Garner was all I could think of
 
Will I be next?
What happens to my family?
Who handcuffs a 60 year old women?
A 7 year old boy?
 
Why are you authorized to cease a home
Handcuff all its members
And not give them a reason
 
What do you tell the 17 year old soon-to-be graduate
that her parents won’t make it to her ceremony
But rather a hospital bed
 
How do you tell her to relax and stay calm?
How do you tell her she will be okay after she said she can’t fucking breathe?
How do you tell Officer Heely she has a heart condition?
How do you tell her God is watching but can’t do anything?
How do you tell her she did it all for nothing?
 
The only search warrant  you had was the one to my soul
And what did you find?
Were you satisfied?
Or was the dark empty room too much for you?
 
The light went out
 
You pointed your guns
You pointed your flashlights
You took out your handcuffs
You took out your batons
 
The minute you sat my whole family on that curb
You destroyed freedom
You destroyed graduation
You destroyed my faith for America  
 
But it was okay
It wasn’t your family
It wasn’t your heart
It wasn’t your day
 
But it was inhuman
It was illegal
It was my home
It was my life
It was my right
And you took it all away
 
You turned it upside down
Because you’re white
Because you can
Because you can call it the job
You can call it the law
Because you are a cop
A cop who forgot his other duty was to protect
Because you can find behind a search warrant
Because you can hide behind power
Because this is American 
And it has forgotten we live here too
 
This is my home
But all you could say was sit down before I sent you back to your country
I didn’t know how to tell you I was already here
Didn’t you see the red white and blue that replaced the nopal I had on my forehead
What blinded you?
How could you forget this was my home too?

​The Unfashionable Mexican that Wears Mexican Fashion 

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​I grew up being told
my Mexican culture and traditions
were ugly 
 
I wore colorful huaraches
made from the unsteady hardworking hands
of a viejito
 
Rojo con rosa
y
azul con amarillo
 
Oh,
How beautiful they were
How loud they were
 
Miles away
in the back of
my papi’s camioneta
They yelled "YO SOY MEXICANA"
 
Today,
You also wear huaraches
 
But
Yours are not colorful
Yours do not scream CULTURE 
 
They scream FASHION
They scream I ONLY WEAR THEM BECAUSE TOMS MADE THEM
They scream CULTURE APPROPRIATION
 
And
I too wear them
I wear the all black ones
the pink with white
I no longer wear
the blue and yellow ones
Papi brought back from Michoacán
after I annoyingly insisted
I wanted a new pair
 
He said
"hija, como que tú quieres huaraches?
No más que no te los pongas"
 
As a Chicana  
the only huaraches
I was allowed to wear
were the ones Toms produced
I was only allowed to pronounce it the Anglo way
 
When I wore them
they were called ugly
But when Becky wears them
America goes crazy
 
But why?
Why can I only love
the American version
of my culture?
 
Why can I only love panchos
if it comes in a form of a backpack?
 
Why can I only love
sombreros
Authentic Mexican outfits
flower crowns
Frida Kahlo chokers
If they are sold
at Forever 21
and Urban Outlets?
 
Why am I not allowed
to be Mexican
But fashion followers are?
 
Why am I not allowed
to embrace
my culture
But Sarah is?
 
Por qué
cuando lo hace
esa gringa le preguntan
de dónde agarro su blusa
por que está bien Fashionable  
 
Por qué
cuando lo hago yo
el Señor Donald Trump
los amenaza
con un pinche border?
 
Por qué
puede ser
ella Mexicana
y yo no?

​Naturalized Citizen 

---

​Mom forgive me
Ma perdóname
I’m sorry
Lo siento
I never wanted you to give up your homeland
Yo nunca quiera que renunciara a su tierra 
It was never my intention
Nunca era mi intención
Your children never wanted you to replace your roots
Sus hijos nunca quieran que replacara sus raíces
You will always belong to Mexico
Usted siempre pertenecerá a Mexico
That is forever the dream
Eso para siempre será el sueño 
But don’t you forget
Pero nunca se le olvide
That your adoptive country will love you too
Que su estado adoptivo la amara también
Even when its impossible to believe it
También cuando es imposible para cree lo